Getting married before you are 25 is like picking a movie to rent from the A-F aisle in a video store without checking anywhere else. Yeah you skipped "You Got Served", but you also skipped "Indiana Jones", "The Godfather", and sex with other people.
Last night, I gave a homeless guy a ride from McDonald's to where he'd stashed his bags about a mile down the road. He rocked out to my Stones CD the whole way, air-guitaring and singing his homeless ass off. **** yeah, homeless guy. **** yeah.
The thing I admire about the rat tail is that it takes commitment. It's not like one day you just decide you want one, you have to grow out that bad boy and you have to repeatedly convince the hairdresser to trust you because it's a great idea.
More often than not, when someone is telling me a story all I can think about is that I can’t wait for them to finish so that I can tell my own story that’s not only better, but also more directly involves me.
Whenever someone says "I'm not book smart, but I'm street smart", all I hear is "I'm not real smart, but I'm imaginary smart".
My 4 year old son asked me in the car the other day "Dad what would happen if you ran over a ninja?" How the hell do I respond to that?
I was on the phone with my friend the other day when he yelled, "****! I can't find my phone! Hold on." At a loss, I chose to remain silent and let him work that one out himself...
Literally means exactly as you describe, dumbass. "I can't believe they fired me, I literally put my heart and soul into this job.." No, no you didn't. Unless you worked at an Aztec temple and they demanded sacrifice, you did not literally do ****.
Eating dessert, skipping class, and having sex all have one thing in common. Once the idea crosses your mind it's almost impossible not to do it, and if someone else says it out loud, it's 100% going to happen.
Whenever I'm Facebook stalking someone and I find out that their profile is public I feel like a kid on Christmas morning who just got the Red Ryder BB gun that I always wanted. 546 pictures? Don't mind if I do!
My brother's Municipal League baseball team is named the Stepdads. Seeing as none of the guys on the team are actual stepdads, I inquired about the name. He explained, "Cuz we beat you, and you hate us". Classy, bro.
Quit calling yourself fat if you are clearly not fat. I am not going to say you're not anymore. I'm just going to nod and make that ehhhh kinda sound.
If I say "You're killing me, Smalls" and the person I'm talking to looks at me with confusion and doesn't know why I've called them Smalls, I question why I'm friends with them.
I think the worst STD you could ever get is babies.
Sandwiches always taste better when someone else makes them.
"Seemed like a good idea at the time" is always the right answer.
Sometimes I wonder if philosophers were actually that much smarter than everyone else, or if they were just the only ones who remembered to write down all the cool **** they thought of in the shower.
I have a hard time understanding commercials for TVs that try to show how vivid the picture is on their brand of TVs. I'm still watching your commercial on my ****ty one.
When I have to work late, the last thing I do is send a somewhat meaningless email to my boss, just so she knows I was in the office until at least 7:53.
In Home Depot today I saw a product called "Liquid Tape.” That sounds an awful lot like glue....
If I'm supposed to meet you somewhere and you call to see where I am and I respond "I'm on my way" or "I'm almost there," I probably haven't left my house yet. And when I have finally arrived, I will be blaming my tardiness on traffic.
It might look like I'm enjoying the cool music on my iPod with my headphones on, but I'm secretly listening to your conversation.
I think I'm going to start a bar called the gym. Then all of these people who really just want to say they went to the gym without actually working out would have somewhere to go.
The problem with America is stupidity. I'm not saying there should be a capital punishment for stupidity, but why don't we just take the safety labels off of everything and let the problem solve itself?
Wine glass? Tumbler? Snifter? Dude, we're getting drunk, not aristocrating on the Titanic. Just pour the booze into those plastic cups over there and the rest will work itself out.
I laugh every time I see a "Slow Children at Play" sign. They should really put a comma in there... I'm going to hell.
Anyone who says working out in the morning "gives them energy throughout the day" is full of ****.
I always wonder how some parts get cast in movies. I can just imagine bulletins that say "Read for the parts of the Hideously Ugly & Overweight Girl and for the Toothless, Senile Old Man who Poops Himself today at 4pm." Someone out there is seeing this & says "Now that sounds like a part for me!"
Whenever my car makes a strange noise the solution is always turning up the radio.
I will definitely not enroll my future daughter in gymnastics seeing as I know she will only use her skills later in life for sexual positions.
If I show up to work an hour before my boss, I am doing whatever I want for that hour.
Hey eyelid twitch - thanks for fulfilling my life long dream of looking like a serial killer about to go on a rampage.
"Don't Stop Believing" is the like "Eye of the Tiger" for drunk people.
Whenever it's below freezing, and you see a girl walking to the bar without a coat on, you should definitely make a move on her. You already know she's into bad decisions.
I think "I don't like [insert rum/vodka/gin/whiskey]" is actually code for "I once puked up a ton of [insert rum/vodka/gin/whiskey] and thought I was going to die."
When asked "Why does no one know how to please a woman?" Anonymous gave this answer: "Because nobody has a penis made out of chocolate that ejaculates money."
I have discovered that my hatred for abbreviations and anal retentiveness for spelling has made me the best drunk texter ever. Sure, I may be squinting out of one eye with my tongue sticking out in complete concentration at my phone, which is one inch from my eyeball, but you're going to understand what I'm saying, goddammit.
If I don't shower within 30 minutes of working out, I'm not showering.
I wish my office directory would also list people's relationship status.
Dear Pringles, Now that I am no longer a child, I can no longer fit my hand inside your tube of deliciousness. Work on that.
You know it's time to do dishes when you're drinking water from a martini glass.
Condoms are for strangers, not girlfriends.
You should get a prize just for showing up at work on crappy weather days.
Beware your drunken inner-entrepreneur. While nursing a hangover, I found my handwriting on a wadded up bar napkin that simply read, New Restaurant Idea: Date Crepe! I can't decide if I should be more worried about the concept, or the fact that I added an exclamation point.
Cops should be able to pull over people who don't turn right on red.
There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.
At the bar last night a guy called his wife to tell her he was on the way home and to warm up the cock garage.
Nothing throws you into a state of panic like getting a phantom vibrate from an empty pocket.
The most glorious ten seconds after you and your date have parted ways is when you finally succumb to your flatulence.
I like to give my friends checks when I owe them money rather than cash, just so I can write stuff like "last night" in the 'For' section.
I need new drinking friends, the type that will be single when I am and in a relationship when I am, not consistently the opposite no matter what.
I’m pretty sure I get 'self beer goggles'. The more beers I drink the hotter I appear in the mirror. Sad downfall to reality when I see those Facebook photos of the previous night and realize how awful I actually look when wasted.
The scariest 10 seconds ever is when you are double checking who you just sent a text message to... just in case.
I have the deepest desire for my turn signal to be perfectly in sync with the person in front of me.
Me? Oh no. I didn't stay here and let my dreams slowly die in the same backwater town I grew up in, like you did. I'm just home for the holidays. Well, it's nice seeing you. Bye.
As a former bouncer at a bar, I don't think that there is anything funnier than turning on the ugly lights at 2am and watching the looks on peoples faces, as they realize what they are about to sleep with.
Yeah I ****ed you. When we make eye contact in a bar the least you could do is nod and lift your beer.
I think I edited most of the bad language. Hope you got a laugh!
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